by Keiron Brown, Psy.D.

There are some things in life that get a bad rap, usually because people tend to think of them as "negative."  It used to be that, when someone said to me, "Dr. Brown, I just broke up with my girlfriend over the weekend," my first response would be, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."  I'd say this because, typically, a relationship ending was an unfortunate event.  When this situation presented itself, on one occasion, I gave my typical response about being sorry, and the person said, "Don't be.  I'm relieved that it's finally over!"  Wow, I hadn't really thought about it too much that way.  Today, when someone says, "Dr. Brown, I broke up with my boyfriend last night," I say, "Really?  How is that for you?"  I now leave it open for the possibility that what seems negative, can actually be a positive.  This brings us to the notion of "emotional baggage."  This concept has pretty much always been seen negatively: "I can't be bothered with that girl, she's got too much emotional baggage," or "It's never gonna work with him because he's bringing too much emotional baggage with him into the relationship."  Because it's viewed negatively, people respond to it negatively.  Looked at another way, "emotional baggage" is actually just "experience." 

What people usually criticize as emotional baggage is typically a person's life experiences that he or she hasn't worked through or sorted out yet.  Because this "baggage" is just an accumulation of experiences, think about the whole "entering into a relationship" thing, in terms of packing to go on a trip, and you're traveling by plane.  From this perspective, you have to be selective about the baggage (experiences) that you're going to take with you, right?  You prioritize.  You can't take everything with you, so you pick out those things that are necessities, and keep the rest of your stuff at home.  Even when you weed through what you originally thought were "necessities," you wind up taking a few of those things out because you can't take too many bags (experiences) with you on your trip (your relationship) because there's an additional fee for doing that, these days (your partner getting fed up).  During your weeding out process, you don't feel too bad about not taking a bunch of stuff with you because (1) it feels good to  travel light, and (2) you now have more room for the new stuff (new experiences) that you'll get while you're on your trip (in your relationship).   The whole secret, then, is sorting through all your experiences, figuring out which things you're going to need and actually use, putting the rest of your things back in the closet and getting set to enjoy yourself.

Tips for your "traveling companion" (your partner):

• Don't be too critical of what your partner has decided to bring on your trip.  He or she may not have traveled as much as you and, thus, might not know how to pack well
• What they think of as "essentials" just might not match your definition of "essential," and he or she may, during the course of the trip (your relationship), find some new things that they like better than the things they brought with them, so they might just throw out their old stuff on their own, and they'll do this to make room for the new.  No need to push them too hard

Celebrate the baggage and enjoy your journey!  Who knows, when you meet that someone for the first time, you two may have matching luggage!